Last week, I turned 41 years old.
I know, I know, that’s not OLD (argues everyone who is already 40+…), but no one can deny that it at least qualifies as “getting up there.” So at 41, I’m experiencing the anxiety that most do around this age: that my body—this machine that houses my mind, my memories, my personality, my intellect—is starting to break down, and I’m going to find myself functioning less efficiently, in increasingly noticeable ways.
I was 38 when I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. MS is a chronic, degenerative condition affecting the central nervous system. The bodies of people who have MS function less efficiently, in increasingly noticeable ways. Sound familiar?
I haven’t had MS for very long, so I’m still learning what my version of this nasty life companion will be. And at the same time, I’m facing the realities of getting older. Being 41, and having MS, I find myself frequently playing this fun guessing game I like to call—everybody shout it out with me, “Wheel of Fortune” style— AGING! OR! MS!
A couple of the clues are super easy. Grey hairs and wrinkles? Definitely aging. Bright spots that show up on fancy magnet pictures of my brain? That’s MS, final answer.
But everything else? Every other tingle, every surprising little jab of pain, every loss of sensation? Those are the big question marks.
I have what’s known as relapsing-remitting MS. That means that there are periods when inflammation within my body causes new damage or aggravates existing damage to my brain and spinal cord. These are relapses. I’ve had two. The first led to my diagnosis, and the symptoms included loss of coordination and a bizarre electric sensation that traveled from my neck to my tailbone whenever I put my head down, chin to chest.
The second relapse came about a year later. I took a nap one afternoon, and when I woke up, the left side of my face was numb. It was that fast. I thought it was just my face, but when I finally went and saw my doctor, we discovered that there was low-grade numbness down the whole left side of my body. An MRI revealed a new lesion (an area of nerve damage) on my brain stem. Point for MS.
Between relapses (which can last a few days or a few months or longer), there are remissions. These are periods when the inflammation decreases and symptoms (all or some) lessen (all the way or some of the way).
So, when I was in the midst of an active relapse, it was safe to assume that whatever new bodily glitch or deterioration of function I was experiencing was because of the MS.
But if I’m cruising along through a remission (like I am now), feeling pretty good (i.e., feeling like a normal, marginally healthy human), and something new and weird happens, my immediate thought is, “Is this just me getting older, or do I need to be worried that this is my zombie brain trying to eat itself again?”
Let me give you some examples.
Since my diagnosis, I’ve noticed that I drop things more than I used to. I don’t know if I’m actually dropping things more, or just noticing it more, but either way, gravity is knocking things from my hands more than I’d like. Aging or MS?
I occasionally lose my balance when I stand up too fast from a seated position. Aging or MS?
Sometimes, when…ahem…“nature calls,” the urgency goes from zero to critical in a matter of seconds, and God help me if I’m not near a restroom. Aging or MS?
I forget things. Like, whole chunks of conversations I had not very long ago. I struggle to think of words or phrases or names. Stuff that I should be able to fucking remember. I lose my train of thought midway through talking.
Aging?
Or MS? Is that you, Mr. Relapse? Have you left another spot on my brain?
Here’s the real kick in the teeth about this “Aging or MS?” guessing game: there’s no way to win it. Every time I ask myself the question, it’s because something isn’t working the way it’s supposed to. Trying to figure out WHY is just a thing we humans feel the need to do. It brings peace of mind, somehow, even if knowing why won’t change a damn thing.
Aging or MS? Does it matter? There’s no turning back the clock on either one.
Not yet, anyway.
I mean, aging is aging, and there’s not much any of us can do about that (without grand feats of cosmetic manipulation anyway, and sometimes, not even then). But with MS, there remains a glimmer of hope. Progress has been made already. In the last 20 years or so, there have been about 15 medications approved in the U.S. for treatment of MS. They’re known as “disease modifying drugs” because, while they can’t stop disease progression entirely, they can slow it down, lessen the severity of symptoms, and extend those periods of remission.
Ending MS and restoring what’s been lost. That’s the goal. And when that day comes, I hope you see me with a big smile on my face, full of gratitude for the chance to grow wonderfully old, in better health.